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Kids get Santa. Movie stars get me.
by Shea Conner
Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I don't know about you, but this holiday season has been kind of depressing. The economy is in shambles. A Wal-Mart employee in New York got trampled to death. Heck, the US Bank on the Belt got robbed. Where's the holiday spirit?

To fight the gloom, I'm going to have fun with this blog entry. Today, I'll play Santa as I give out gifts to the girls and boys who have been good in movies and lumps of coal for those who have been bad. Ho ho ho.

I will give...

An Oscar to the makers of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall."

  • In all fairness, it was probably the funniest movie of the year. And any movie that can incorporate a Dracula puppet musical in all seriousness deserves an award.

A lump of coal and a court order to be bull whipped by Harrison Ford to George Lucas and Steven Spielberg for destroying Indiana Jones.

  • Aliens? Aliens!?! I guess it could have been worse...Jar Jar Binks could have made an appearance.

A pencil cup to The Joker.

  • The unforgettable "disappearing pencil trick" scene set the tone for "The Dark Knight." Plus, yellow pencil sales went up tenfold during Halloween. In my dreams, the Joker does that trick to every terrible movie supervillain from Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze to Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom. But he would need a cup for all of those pencils.

The perfect role to Keanu Reeves.

  • Keanu Reeves is devoid of talent. He shows no emotion and appears to be reciting lines in almost all of his films. So it's only fitting that he get the role of an emotionless alien who recites orders from a larger being as Klaatu in "The Day The Earth Stood Still."

A lump of coal and a contract forcing the reunion of N*Sync to Justin Timberlake for the worst French-Canadian accent in any movie...ever.

  • "The Love Guru" was bad enough without Timberlake, but he didn't help. Sometimes, he sounded Italian. Sometimes, he sounded Arabic. The entire time, he sounded like someone who should stick with his singing career.

A lump of coal and more divorce paperwork from Nicole Kidman to Tom Cruise for the worst German accent in any movie...ever.

  • At least J.T. tried! Tom Cruise is a Nazi rebel who speaks in plain American English in "Valkyrie." I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume speaking in accents goes against Scientology. Speaking of Tom Cruise...

A Diet Coke to Tom Cruise for an awesome surprise cameo.

  • Cruise turned it up a notch as Les Grossman in "Tropic Thunder," so I figured I'd give him a 12 oz. can of his favorite beverage. I'll never think of "Get Back" by Ludacris the same way again.

25 bags of Funyuns to James Franco.

  • He was lovable, loyal and perfectly captured the demeanor of every super-stoner I ever encountered in college as Saul in "Pineapple Express." I think 25 bags of the munchy cure will do. Is 25 a good number? You think--more? 30 bags? I don't know about that. I only earn a modest reporter's salary...

29 bags of Funyuns to James Franco.

A lump of coal, a box of hot wings and a "UFC Ultimate Knockouts" DVD to everyone involved with "Mamma Mia."

  • Congratulations. You made a movie that makes every man in America cringe at its mere mention.
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Mr_America December 11, 2008 at 2:15 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Well done I agree with every one of those although compaired to Trey and Matt you took it easy on Indy.

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sheaconner December 11, 2008 at 4:26 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Haha...I could have broken their legs and been easier on them than Trey and Matt.

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