One wonders if some inventive Sumerian went to sleep that night, 5,500 years ago, proud of having put the wheel to practical use.

Maybe he awaited creation of the fist bump to properly celebrate. Maybe detractors in the land between the Tigris and Euphrates mocked his initiative, called him “Mesopotamian maniac” behind his back. Or grunts to that effect.

But until the iPod and sanitary tattoo needles came along, the wheel rolled as mankind’s most important invention.

Face it, folks got tired of walking. Millennia came and went, and the wheel did remarkable things, from moving goods to market to aiding exploration to helping a robber self-pedal from a crime scene.

(Aside from a skateboard or a hot-air balloon, bicycles make the oddest getaway conveyance. Events in St. Joseph last week reveal either a spirit of innovation or a gift for surprise.)

To further a reach into the world, mankind went to the waters. Lineal history in this regard advances from dugout canoes to seafaring galleys, from paddlewheelers to luxury liners with water slides and slot machines.

Find here the state of the art in recreation and blather. A magazine, National Review, is marketing a Mediterranean and Adriatic cruise whose highlights will be “extensive interaction” and “cigar and cognac smokers” with well-known political pundits.

Think about carting around Croatia with Karl Rove, meandering through Messina with Dick Morris, seeing Sicily with Cal Thomas.

Never mind the political bent of those involved, in this case with the Holland America ship listing to the right. Spending time with rabid conservatives or liberals in a vacation setting would cause any reasonable soul to abandon ship and hide among the Greek ruins.

These sorts of “celebrity” excursion packages have become fashionable, and the possibilities of setting sail with bishops, weathermen or retired sports heroes get floated regularly.

Obviously, some find attractive the chance for reflected wisdom while shooting craps next to former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton in the ship’s casino or sharing a plate of nachos with editor-at-large Jonah Goldberg at the Pinnacle Grill. The least-expensive cabins are already wait-listed.

Think of the rush on high-dollar rooms once folks discover they might get a body wrap alongside columnist Kate O’Beirne in the Greenhouse Spa and Salon. Imagine the dish.

Go ahead, confess your amazement that elbow-running with political-show talking heads has a monetary value. In sunny ports, it would be like paying to watch “Fox News Sunday” while detecting a scent of cocoa butter.

Maybe this is a testament to the star power of television, a medium that can disguise routine commentary as profundity. Say it loud before a camera and someone will spend their vacation fund to walk up a gangplank with you.

No one’s rushing to cruise with newspaper people, a rough-around-the-edges group that can’t be counted on to make conversation in decent society, much less treat shipboard formal night with due reverence.

You could maybe stir a crowd — non-paying, of course — to go canoeing on Lake Contrary with newspaper workers, but only with the promise of a kegger and hot dogs afterward.

Sad to say, the canoe thing holds some appeal. Not everyone goes for cigars and cognac.

Ken Newton’s column runs on Sunday and Tuesday.