Most guys think of relationships in sports metaphors. Getting on base. Scoring. Touchdown. Slam dunk. Fair catch. Since many of us use these and other sports-related terms when talking about the opposite sex, women would be wise to get hip to this terminology. Basic lessons guys learn from playing sports also translate quite well in the realm of romantic matters. The same time-honored rules of hard work, teamwork and loyalty work whether on the field of play or in the court of love. The Web site oldandsold.com posted a list of sports rules that were first published in 1911. At no cost to you the reader, Average Joe will translate these rules into relationship terms.

Old and Sold is really an antique Web site. Don’t take that connection to mean these rules are outdated. They’re timeless. Like a fine antique, the rules of sports and in love never go out of style.

1 Learn the rules of the game thoroughly: Establish the ground rules for the relationship early. If it’s one night out a week with the boys, it’s one night, and if it’s one day with the in-laws, it’s one day, not a whole weekend.

2 A novice should behave with great modesty. He should never interfere with the play of persons of experience, should never criticize or offer advice. We know how many beers we can handle. We’re pros at it.

3 Play close attention to the game: Don’t let your mind or eye wander. Pay close attention to the game or relationship you’re currently involved in.

4 Stick strictly to the rules: There are no variations. Out of bounds means out of bounds. There are no instant replays.

5 Do your best to win by all fair means: That means not bringing up an old mistake to win a new argument. Teams only get penalized in the games they’re currently playing.

6 Play for the success of your side or team and not for your individual glory: We’re in this thing together, baby. Whether you make more money than me or vice versa, it’s still our money. You don’t want to have to go to court to prove it.

7 Don’t try to influence the referee: Let’s hope it never gets to where we need a referee and/or judge.

8 Play for the sake of the game, not merely to win: It’s not about winning arguments but solving problems.

9 Accept defeat cheerfully, like a true sportsman: OK, OK. So you beat me in poker. You don’t have to chest bump and high five your girlfriends for a month afterwards.

10 Bear no grudge against the winner in a fair field: Hey, I beat you fair and square in tennis. No hard feelings. Don’t burn my dinner and say “nothing” when I ask you for the millionth time what’s wrong.

11 Never lose your temper: Anger never solves any problem. We can solve any problem in a cool and level-headed manner.

12 Be generous whether in victory or in defeat: Whether you win or lose, you still should buy a round or two.

13 A true sportsman should never take advantage of his superior strength to set a pace beyond the power of a woman to follow: We walk side by side in all matters. It’s never me or you out front.

14 A woman should remember that in all sports requiring strength, she will be outclassed by most men. Hence she should not attempt to play against them on even terms: Joining a beer chugging contest doesn’t look ladylike either. Leave that heavy lifting to us guys.

Alonzo Weston is a columnist and reporter for the St. Joseph News-Press. The St. Joseph native has served on the News-Press staff for 15 years. He’s also a sports junkie who doesn’t pick up after himself. If you’d like to quiz Alonzo on his vast knowledge of the female species, or just suggest an idea for this column, feel free to contact him at alonzow@npgco.com.