I’ve been accused of changing hairstyles more frequently than Wooly Willy. You know that cheap toy from the 1960s now found mostly in dollar stores?

If you remember, it’s a quite simple toy — just a piece of cardboard with the face of a red-nosed, smiling, hairless man named Willy painted on it and covered in plastic. Inside the plastic is a clump of black iron fillings. You move those fillings with the magnet provided to make different hairstyles for Willy.

You can give Willy a full beard, a goatee, a mustache, a full head of hair or a comb over. The choices are limitless, but the fun is short-lived, unless of course you aspire to be a barber.

I may or may not have been subliminally inspired by Wooly Willy, but I have changed many looks and hairstyles over the years. The styles not only defined me, but the era as well.

I had an afro and goatee in the ‘60s. In the 1970s, I wore a short cut with a full beard. The 1980s was the era of the Lionel-Richie-shag-and-mustache look.

Luckily, I never got into the jheri curl thing. That just wasn’t me.

What I’ve found out about men’s facial hair, through years of growing experience, is each look elicits a different response from women. A mustache defines you one way and a full beard another.

I’ve always seen this Average Joe column not only as a source of entertainment, but also a public service to its readers.

I’m no barber or hairstylist, but I can tell you what public responses to expect from each facial hair configuration before you take the actual tonsorial plunge yourself. Remember, this is by no means scientific. In fact, I’m not even sure if it makes any sense.

MUSTACHE: A couple of female co-workers defined this look as “creepy.” It’s an outdated hangover from the 1980s, like Tom Selleck and loafers without socks.

One female even called it “a molestache,” as it’s the popular facial hairstyle choice of child molesters. But I found the look popular among both law enforcement officials and the criminals they chase. Comedian Eddie Murphy once said it was a popular look among porn stars, too.

GOATEE: This is the tough-guy look worn by many wrestlers and NFL defensive linemen. The skinny goatee makes one look like a magician. A goatee with a mustache and soul patch makes you look Shakespearian. A thick mustache and pointed beard makes you look like a Spanish conquistador or Don Quixote, a guy who chases windmills.

SIDEBURNS: This is the facial wear of alternative rock stars and Elvis impersonators. But guys over 50 who wear sideburns look like classic country music performers, town bullies or bad sheriffs in Southern-based movies.

BEARD: You either look like a wino or a scholar with a beard — there’s not much in between. Wearing a big, bushy beard with a bald head makes you look like mixed martial arts fighter Kimbo Slice. Long scraggly hair and an unkempt beard makes a guy look like cult leader Charles Manson.

CLEAN-SHAVEN LOOK: This portrays open honesty, real or manufactured, or the fact you can’t grow facial hair. Many televangelists don’t have facial hair. Instead they spend much of your tithes on their pompadours. Politicians are clean shaven, too. See a pattern here? It says, “I want your money.”

Alonzo Weston is a columnist and reporter for the St. Joseph News-Press. The St. Joseph native has served on the St. Joseph News-Press staff for 15 years. He’s also a sports junkie who doesn’t pick up after himself.

If you’d like to quiz Alonzo on his vast knowledge of the female species,

or just suggest an idea for this column, feel free to contact him

at alonzow@npgco.com.